It dawned upon me on a friday night when I seemingly had everything that could make me happy that I was in a funk and felt the need to apologize about it to everyone around me. I woke up the morning after my work holiday party and felt a sense of instability, anxiety, and maybe even the big d-word. I had been making major moves in my career, had a socially packed week, and was trekking home in NYC december snow when I couldn’t figure out how to be present. I was in a funk before even getting to work so naturally I was sensitive to everything around me - a poor but expected communication from my boss, a harmless text from my boyfriend, and a sink full of dishes when I got home. And for some reason, I didn’t feel like I was allowed to be in this funk. Afterall, I had been recognized for the work that I’ve done both in my professional life and my personal life, I felt empowered and empowering, and I was making good enough money to not worry about every penny that I spent. Companies that I revered were reaching out to me to do collaborations, my relationship with my boyfriend was stable, and I was planning for things that I once thought were unattainable at my age. I got home that night and wanted to sit in my pity and not talk to anyone and cry for no reason and not feel like I was being a burden to anyone by doing so. Christian was giving me affirmations about all of the anxieties I had expressed and I caught myself telling him that I honestly didn’t want a pep talk or to try to move on and act like things were gonna be ok even if they were. I just wanted to feel out my bad mood and not feel bad about it.
I was stuck in my way of being ok with not being ok when I had a come-to-Jesus that it was in fact perfectly fine for me to feel it all out. Just like the mornings when we wake up and get shit done and feel confident and feel like we can conquer anything and want nothing more than to stay in that moment, it can - and should be - the same with our mood swings. Today more than ever, we’re taught to dream big, accomplish a lot, set goals for ourselves, and all the while show the world how well we’re doing on social media - beautiful destinations, power stances that make us look confident, clothes that people envy us for having, and a latte that photographs so well that people don’t even care how it tastes as long as it fits our Instagram aesthetic. But where’s the space to show the other half of being human in moments that are less favorable, that people fear will open others up to perceive them as negative or attention-seeking? I think there is nothing more powerful than a woman who is vulnerable, sensitive, and yet commanding all at once. As someone once said, “Confidence is not ‘they will like me’, confidence is, ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t’”.